Monday, February 29, 2016

Music

When I was discharged from the hospital, I was afraid to listen to music. During the time that I had been manic, music was a trigger. Music sent me soaring through the sky; music gave me the powers of a super hero; music made me want to explode in ecstasy. I haven't been manic since that time, so I haven't really thought about my brief experience of being afraid of listening to music.

But today, as I briefly touched hypomania, I could hear Freddie Mercury singing, "I'm burning through the sky, yeah...", and I remembered the ecstasy, the explosion of energy coursing through my body as I heard his voice sing those words. It still feels unbelievable that there could be a time in my life when I would be scared to listen to music because of the torrent of energy it could unleash within me.

Right now, if I were to listen to certain songs I could be filled with bliss, which would feel delicious. However, that bliss wouldn't dance with madness as it did before. Yes, at present I want to talk a lot and I have many ideas and, yes, I feel that what I have to say is terribly important and everyone should read and hear it. But, no, I am not swaying side by side with madness as I once did. Now, I am safe with Queen and Brian Wilson, they don't hold any sort of power over my mental state and for that I am both saddened and relieved.