Friday, December 11, 2015

The Beauty of Words

Early mornings seem to be a time when I touch that delicious feeling of hypo-mania. I send out silly texts and I have energy, which isn't destructive, running through my body. But within a couple of hours the sillies have gone away and I am left with soul-crushing depression. I don't know how to manage it, I'm right in the midst of it. Amazingly, I am still able to spend time with friends, those are the times when I feel safe, but anything other than going out for coffee is too scary and difficult for me.

If you saw me teaching yoga, you would probably never guess that I am terrified to go out and put myself in new situations. I teach with confidence and for the most part it's the real me that comes out when I teach. Then I come home and I am paralyzed. I stay in bed for most of the day, the bedroom door and curtains closed. I am embarrassed and ashamed that this is my life right now. And I wonder how sharing this with you beneficial to anyone other than myself.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to do battle every day. I just want to live a normal life which isn't plagued by darkness at every turn. Although my words are sad, I still experience beauty when  I go back and read them. That beauty is my light in the darkness. My words are my sword and shield. I am grateful for my fingers fluttering over the keys, this I can still do, I can write and share. 

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