Monday, November 30, 2015

A Beautiful Life

I have a thirst for beautiful experiences. Words, essential oils, clothes, meditation, the bare limbs on my trees are just a few things that fill my heart with beauty. Beauty feels rich, abundant. The more I think about all of the things and qualities that I find beautiful the more I touch a sense of fullness within myself. Last night I kept reminding myself that if I keep thinking of beauty than I will never feel depleted, empty, or not enough. 

When I lust after beauty, I'm desiring something much deeper than a new haircut or makeup. I want to read words that were written as if with a paintbrush, vibrant pictures on a canvas. Beautiful prose...ecstasy. Looking at my new deck of cards, each card with a different magical picture, inspires me to walk in the woods among the dead leaves and the sounds of water fall.

The sky is darkening. As I look out my window at nature I don't see death, I see deep, dark, hidden beauty. I never get sad because of cloudy and rainy days. I may feel sad on those days because I have a tendency towards depression, but it's nothing to do with the clouds blocking the sun's rays. On those days I travel in my mind to England or some other enchanting world that I've only imagined.

Imagination is key for me. Even if I can't access those things that I find beautiful and rich, I can always imagine them. Some days are easier than others, those are the days in which my mind willingly travels and dwells on loftier ideas, thoughts that outweigh pettiness and my depression.

My wish for us all is to dwell in beauty and dive to its depths, whatever that may mean to each of us. At this moment my life is simply beautiful.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Love, Gratitude, and Precious Friendships

It's a beautiful day, the day after Thanks Giving, the weather in the 60's, the sun shining brightly. I'm sitting on the chaise, working crossword puzzles, still wearing pajamas at 10:30 am, my head stuffed up and my body exhausted. I used to pray to feel physically sick because it was the only time that I would be kind to myself and allow my body and mind to rest without feeling guilty. I'm not enjoying my sinus infection, because I still don't allow myself to relax without guilt. I don't want to relax today, I want to have fun. I want to be in a room with all of the wonderful people that I have met over the past few years. I want us to have fun wearing our pj's, playing games, reading monologues to each other, or even reading in silence while still together. Reveling in the wonderful company.

I have always considered myself an introvert, and for the most part I still am. But I've started to enjoy people and some times I can't get enough of being with them. There are coffee dates that I never want to end. It feels so good to be in the company of other women. Wouldn't it be such fun to spend a weekend in a cabin in the woods with my dearest friends? Yes, I believe it would.

So now this introvert would love to have a house full of people, not just any people, but the women who have come into my life, brightening my world, and illuminating my soul. Nowhere to go, no need to travel. Sitting still, yet not stagnate. Inspired and filled to the brim with love and gratitude for precious friendships.

I gather your images and hold them close to my heart. I imagine teaching you to read music, writing books together, watching independent movies together, and always, always sitting in coffee shops drinking cup after cup of coffee and talking about utter nonsense or the deepest truths.

Sending you all my love on this beautiful and grace-filled day.

Monday, November 23, 2015


This time last year, I was as fragile as a wounded bird. I was two months out of the hospital and rapidly swinging back and forth between gratitude and soul-sucking despair. I don't remember Thanksgiving lunch at my sister's house, so I assume it was emotionally rather stable; however, that evening shortly after arriving at my sister-in-law's house I started to crumble. My husband took me into rooms where he and I could be alone together, he knew that I was overly stimulated and still quite sick. The experience was surreal. I was scared of everyone and everything, so I dissociated, my awareness hovering above my body. During dinner, my hands, inexplicably, turned completely blue. Everyone's attention turned to me, I was showered with attention and care, making the whole evening less awful for me. The blue hands remain a mystery.

This year I'm in a different place emotionally and physically. I'm relatively healthy, or as healthy as I am going to be, considering I have bipolar disorder. Accept for daily bouts of loneliness and depression, my life is good, probably, better than ever. I love my family, home, and work. There are days, like this past Friday, when I lose it, cry hysterically, and feel as though my being alive is a burden to those around me. Those are the shitty days. But I have so much to be thankful for this year. There is love and goodness in my life. I have a loving husband and wonderful and,deeply, satisfying friendships.

I can only pray that this time next year my relationships will have deepened and abundance will continue to flow through my family's life. 

It's not easy battling daily depression and I would guess that most of the people in my life don't realize it's an issue for me, but it is. I value every beautiful relationship that I have. All of you keep me going.

I wish all of us a Happy Thanksgiving, one filled with real gratitude and an abundance of all that is good and sweet in life.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Living in Safety

I'm grateful for all the good in my life. Grateful to look out our picture windows to see the sun streaming through the trees bare branches. I see so many little blessings in my life, I almost never feel that I am a victim of my bipolar disorder. However, the past several years I have lived with a terrible worry that one day I would live on the streets. This thought has plagued my every day for too long now, robbing me of fully experiencing the gratitude that comes with living one's life in the present condition of relative freedom.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mind did a reading for me and I was able to ask my nagging question, "Will I one day be without a home." It's been several years since I've had a card reading. In the past I wanted to know if I was loved by someone or if a relationship would blossom. Once I was married, presumably secure in a relationship, those questions fell away, and I no longer craved the knowledge of what the future may hold. But, I did have a burning question: Would I receive a writing fellowship that I had applied for. I desperately wanted the fellowship and when I want something I want it now. I wanted to know that I was getting the fellowship. What I didn't expect was that the reading would lead to answers pertaining to my distant or possibly not so distant future, that were far weightier than a writing fellowship.

My friend shared that I would reach success by following the path of teaching yoga. The question of the fellowship hung somewhat unanswered. A week later my friend and I met again for coffee, she shared a bit more with me and gave me another reading. At that point, I no longer cared if I was awarded the writing fellowship, I made the decision that whether or not it was offered, I would, instead, pursue the path of furthering my yoga training. During the second reading I was able to share my deep-seated fear that one day I would be out on the streets, unable to support myself and without my husband, who is ten years older than I.

That second reading soothed my burning mind. It was the first time that someone had told me that they didn't see homelessness as ever having been an option for me. She saw abundance and success, not a life of poverty and lack. I will be forever grateful for being led to this special soul who gave me the reading and for her soothing words; words that came not from a need to comfort me, but as simple truths. I am loved, I am strong, and one day, if need be, I will be able to support myself. Thank you, Erika, thank you.