Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Guilt and Acceptance

It's Tuesday morning, I have nothing to do other than relax before I teach tonight and yet something within me won't allow it to fully happen. I have been plagued by debilitating bouts of guilt for a good part of my life. Always worrying if it looks as though I'm putting my needs before the needs of someone else, to the point that most of the time I'm not aware of what I need, my focus so consistently aimed outside myself.

I'm trying hard to seem normal, actually not having wants and needs isn't normal. I'm hardwired to be hypervigilant, trying my best to do the right thing lest someone accuse me of being selfish, ungrateful, etc. In the end it is I who lose. I lose myself and I lose my integrity as a human being. Ultimately, I have to take care of myself; I have to know my needs, there is no one else that can do this for me.

I'm a sensitive and delicate soul that struggles to make her way through this world. I wound deeply; I feel deeply; I care deeply. Always looking over my shoulder, quick to make sure I'm doing the right thing because I cannot bear to hear that I've gotten it wrong. Trying to be perfect, or fit into societies' version of what a "good" and "worthy" person should be, when in truth being my true self doesn't resemble what society expects of me. As my therapist says, I'm an outlier on the bell curve of normalcy. I wish society's definition of normal would change, but I could be waiting and wishing for the rest of my life. At some point I'm going to have to forge my own way, accepting all of my qualities, both the acceptable and the unusual. I've got seven more hours by myself. So what'll it be, guilt or opening up and wrapping my arms around the wonder that is me?


3 comments:

  1. Dearest Jamie,
    If you go out into Nature and look at a field full of flowers, bees, butterflies and other small creatures buzzing around and just being who they are, no matter what color, size, shape or preference Nature allows them to just be and go on being. It's humans that want to change everything to be "better". Jamie, stop being human and you will begin to just be you, you amongst all the rest of us who are in actuality no more worth than all those living beings in that field! I love you for who you are because without you here, it would be like that one flower or buzzing beauty on that field gone missing!

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    1. Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. So many words of truth you have written, my heart is full.

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