Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Freedom to Make a Mess

I'm on vacation, free to leave underwear, bathing suits and towels on the floor. No one to care about my mess; I am the only one to see it and for the time being I like that. When I'm at home, I make the bed every day, wash the dishes, fold the laundry, constantly worrying that I'm not doing enough and that I need everything to be in it's right place so that every one in the house will be pleased with me. But my nature isn't to make the bed, or to change the sheets every week; before I got married, I would wait two months before washing and changing them. At this point in my life I can't imagine going that long before taking care of things. My relationship with order and cleanliness is love, hate.

At this point in my life I don't want to sleep on sheets that haven't been changed in 60 days, nor do I want to look at an unmade bed. But on vacation...

I've been holding tightly for so long, and now I want to let go. I love seeing the trail of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor at the beach house and my make up and toiletries strewn all over the bathroom sink.

I have lived so small, taking up as little space as possible. Suffocating, gasping for air. And now I am coming up, breathing, spreading out, being seen. Being alive.

1 comment:

  1. Darling, you should live outside of the boundaries of your body, the fences your mind creates, and certainly outside of the expectations of others - real or imagined. Small can be good; our dog is small. You on the other hand might consider Walt Whitman: " I exist as I am, and that is enough..."

    Or your friend Anais: "And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom."

    Be messy