Thursday, June 25, 2015

Lonely and Busy

I'm lonely and tired. It seems that whenever I have a day free from teaching I end up at odds with myself and life, I don't know what to do and miss being around people. Sometimes I feel that I have burned so many bridges that soon I will have no one left in my life. And oftentimes I'm not even sure that I really burned a bridge, I just make an assumption that I am disliked and will end up left behind. If I don't do what is wanted or expected of me then I assume you will leave. I'm engaging in mind reading: assuming that I know what people are thinking about me when I really don't. When I remember how empathic I am, I convince myself that because I am so sensitive to people and my environment, then my assumptions must be right: I'm simply not liked and I've been dropped.

Right now I'm trying my best to take care of my physical, mental and emotional needs, which sometimes means I have to let go of certain commitments. All I know to do is ask for understanding and to beg you please not to leave me just because I have to take care of myself right now. It feels good to open up and write these words, to write my insecurities, and it's incredibly embarrassing because maybe no one knows what I'm talking about and I'm really not scorned or loathed by people I love. I'm exhausted and pushing myself hard, so please don't be offended if I haven't returned a call or email. Please be patient, I'm still here. Incredibly busy and achingly lonely.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Jamie,

    Read this post of yours twice (and may read it again) with something approaching delight. That's because I can relate to your thoughts and emotions around loneliness and mind reading so well! Especially in key relationships from the past where I've almost convinced myself that I pushed the other person into burning a bridge. But ultimately it's not about meeting their expectations and your commitments--people really have their own agendas. Thanks again for being so honest and posting this--I feel less lonely now that I know someone other than myself sometimes feels this way too.

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  2. Mala, thank you for your response. It brings me great joy to know that I can help alleviate another person's loneliness. Your words mean so much to me. Keep reading and I'll keep being as honest as I can be.

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