Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Up All Night

It's 5:55 am and I have been awake since before midnight, definitely not a good thing for someone with bipolar disorder. I'm not in the least bit sleepy and that scares me. My body and mind should be tired. Why am I not? I decided to stop taking one of my medications last night because I felt that I was over medicated and it was contributing to my depression. It turns out that I need that med, but I can't take it again until bedtime tonight.

Last night was particularly hard for me. Nothing happened to make it a difficult night, it's just my brain chemistry. Purely a chemical depression, not situational. What I needed more than anything was a good night's sleep and the sweet release that comes through sleep, but I got the opposite.

I'm worried that I won't have the energy to face the day. Will my sleepless night catch up with me, or will I be energized all day. Lack of sleep in people with bipolar disorder can be a precursor to a manic episode. I'm fortunate, the pill that I stopped taking last night is the same medication that saved me when I was in the hospital. It pulled me down from my mania. So I'm not manic now, and that's good news. I will go back to taking the meds like I'm supposed to and hopefully I will sleep tonight.

Last night I was sitting on the floor of Barnes and Noble, staring off into space, on the verge of tears from depression, nothing interesting me. So I thought it was being on a high dose of medicine that caused it. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. And maybe, just maybe today will be better.


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