Thursday, February 26, 2015

Riding the Waves

Today has been a mixture of up and down, but that's how every day is for me. Right now it's about 3:00 pm and I'm in the down swing.

Last night I found myself getting wrapped up with thoughts of starting yoga classes for people who are depressed or bipolar. Ideas started flowing with positive energy fueling them. I became caught up questioning why more or any yoga studios don't offer yoga classes targeted specifically for people living with mental illness. I was feeling self-righteous and pissed off, not exactly what yoga is about.

Today, as my energy is waning and self-doubt kicking my behind, I have been berating myself for thinking and acting outside the box. "Why can't I just think and act like everyone else? Why can't I follow the rules and stop trying to make waves? Why am I so paranoid? Are you crazy?! Who would want a bunch of people with bipolar disorder to come into their place of business?" And the list went on. At first it was a quiet but persistent voice, then as I became more attuned to my thoughts, I realized that I am asking myself to be someone other than me, and anyway I've never been that interested in people who choose to play life safely. In some instances it's important to stay within the parameters of polite society and at other times it's just being a mindless rule follower. I'm both a follower and a leader. I play it safe plenty of times, and other times I leap off the ledge and see if I really can fly.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I have everything I need to complete my e-book, except I've become mentally and emotionally blocked and can't move ahead. So many times this week I've felt like a phony. If I feel like a phony, how can I write anything? I'll tell you what is different about my being stuck now than before in my life: I am going to finish the e-book, no matter how shitty I feel right now, I'm going to complete it.

Although I feel like crap at the moment, I will still put together a proposal for yoga classes for a special population. Here's where the in the box part of me comes in handy. How about calling it "Yoga to Reduce Stress and Beat the Blues." That doesn't sound threatening, and it's important for everyone involved to feel a sense of safety: studio owners and clients.

I am so grateful that I have this blog and the people who read it. Thank you for walking this journey with me and riding the waves together.

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