Wednesday, February 11, 2015

The Hospital Prelude

Once again I am staring at the blank page and I don't know what to write, and yet there is nothing that I long for more than writing, creating, sharing myself with you. I'm not ready to write about my eight night stay in lock down at the psych ward. Whenever I start to write about it, I find a heaviness coming over me and words are inaccessible. Maybe I haven't fully processed everything that happened to me during that horrific eight days, and maybe I'm a bit traumatized from the whole ordeal.

I was sick for almost six months. I was either manic or depressed, or rapidly switching back and forth between the two. I had been tracking my moods every day, using an app on my phone called a Wellness Tracker, but I stopped using it the past four days because it reminds me of being horribly depressed. There are many wounds from that first and only manic episode living inside me on a subconscious level. When I sit to write the blog or check in with the mood tracker I become aware of the scars.

I had to go to the hospital. I wasn't sent against my will, although that was going to happen if I didn't go voluntarily. All that I can write at the moment is that although the hospital was a living nightmare, it was a necessity for me to be there.

The hospital's website gave the impression that I was going to a paradise on earth. I actually packed 10-15 outfits for my stay and thought I might want to go back several times each year. But a website is one thing and reality another. I don't want to dissuade anyone from going to the hospital if it's needed, because it saved my life. But I do encourage people to research hospitals and read the reviews. Sometimes you can read a review and tell that the person who wrote it is a negative person; take their advice with a grain of salt. Seeing a pattern of several bad reviews is another thing altogether. When you're not in crisis take your time and do your research; have a friend or family member help you if it feels too overwhelming.

The DBSA website is a wonderful resource:

The hospital wasn't completely hellish, it was also hilarious, some of the best humor I've ever experienced. In time I will tell you my stories, but not yet, not yet.

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