Sunday, February 15, 2015

Change

Every day I wake up not knowing what to expect. Will I feel good today or will I feel sad. One thing that I've figure out during the course of the past weeks, is that I feel much better mentally and emotionally when I know that I have somewhere to go in the evening. This is one of the ways that my personality has changed since my manic episode. In the past, I loved my alone time, and I always wanted to be home in the evenings.

When I was a teenager, I was pretty straight and narrow, I went to bed at 10:30 on the weekends. I didn't go to parties and I had one friend. Staying up late didn't and still doesn't feel good to me. Also, I've used sleep as a way of escape for most of my life.

I feel like crap at night, except when I'm out, and I'm more than a little amazed by this new phenomenon in my life. It's pretty amazing when a life long habit or way of being changes without your trying to make it change. I don't take naps anymore either. Sometimes I feel frustrated because I want to fall back on that old coping mechanism. Sleep, my lover and my enemy. I feel as though I lost many years to sleep, so I'm blown away, in a good way, that sleep no longer dominates my life.

Old patterns can change. We have to cultivate the awareness to see the change and be open to change. I can tell you that at 45 years-old changing something that's driven me wacky for the past 35 years is pretty damned amazing. Although sleep was a major coping mechanism for me, it made me feel even more depressed when I woke up from my early or mid afternoon naps.

Journaling can help us tune into the changes taking place, both good and bad. I find that it's helpful to go back and read what I've written, helping me become more aware of the changes or stagnation in my life. No victory is too small.

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