Saturday, February 7, 2015

Balancing Act

Balance has always been hard for me, whether it's balancing in a yoga pose or balancing everyday demands. Frequently, I wake up feeling good and within a matter of minutes I've fallen down a hole into a dark space. For most of my life, I have preferred to be alone rather than being in the company of other people, but in the past few months that has shifted. Now I feel the need to be out in the world with other people for almost the entire day.

There must be something in between complete introversion and extroversion. I've always seen myself as an introvert. Maybe I'm more of an extrovert than I thought, or maybe I am trying to fill a deep hole, an emptiness that resides in the pit of my stomach,with constant human contact. Either way I go, I'm off kilter.

I started this blog two days ago, and I have obsessively checked my statistics, hits to the site, and who likes it on FB. Sure that's embarrassing to admit, but it's the truth and it might help other people who engage in the same sort of desperate and obsessive behavior. I realized that my other choice, the thing that I normally do, is sit around the house doing nothing other than diving deeper into a dark, ugly, debilitating depression. So this is what it is, I can be OCD about this blog, keeping myself busy with something all day long, or I can ignore the stats and live in a meaningless depressive state. You know what? If, for now, the choice is between the two, I will pick OCD Jamie. The part of me that can't shut the laptop off or put away my phone when away from my good friend laptop.

Yesterday I had some meaningful contact with one of my favorite writers, Terri Cheney. If you like memoir and want to read about one woman's experience of living with bipolar disorder, I would strongly recommend going on Amazon and ordering her book, Manic. She's beautiful, dynamic, and the real deal.
On Facebook, I made a commitment to maintain this blog every day, perhaps that was yet another example of lacking balance. For now I'll, simply, do the best I can.

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